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Smith Solves England Opener Crisis

The country’s Cricket’s Chief Selector, baseball loving hooray Henry, Edward Smith, has pitched the ultimate curve ball following the retirement of nabuchadnezzar run getter Alistair Cook by announcing that he is set to scrap using opening batsman.

Since the retirement of Strauss, England have discarded opening batsmen like used toilet paper, each player ending up soiled and flushed back down into the country cistern. Ironically, used toilet paper amongst the runs more than one of Strauss’s replacements.

A cursory look down the county statistics to find out who may be the next uber driver off the app tells a sorry tale. Once billed as the new Michael Atherton, Haseeb Hameed averages only 5 more runs than walking wicket Fidel Edwards at 9 runs per innings this season.

Smith has acknowledged that some players may have had a raw deal. Nick Compton enjoyed some sucess but was deemed “too slow”. Modern cricket fans don’t want to drive a Volvo if there is a cheap lease deal available on something more sporty like a champagne coloured Vauxhall Omega.

Smith has taken the bold step of allowing England’s number 3 and 4 to start off the innnings with England opting to bolster the lower order with a new number 12 and 13.
The line up will get its debut outing in a trial 100 ball match, the new ECB concept deisgned to move the game on to the next generation. The date of the game will be decided when ECB Chair Colin Graves has copied the rules off the back of his fag packet.

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