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Cotton thrives in Line of Duty

SCC-1857 interview of Opening Batsman Kenny Cotton in the presence of Fundraising and Operations Officer Christopher Sharp

For the DIR, the screen shows a picture of Don Bradman, currently considered the best test bastman of all time. Our first consideration is item SCC-5, a cable knit cricket jumper with royal blue and gold trim, made from 60% cotton and 40% polyester.

Document 5 in your folders. This cricket jumper yielded item reference KC1. That’s document 6 in your folders. KC-1 is DNA which also matches fibres found on Don Bradman’s Baggy Green.

Can you confirm your whereabouts on Sunday 18th April between the hours of 13:30 and 19:00 hours?

Well it was a nice day, the sun was out so I thought i’d go for a walk in the park.

Item KC1 was recovered at Urmston Cricket Club and was found in your possession during an incredible 102 run pre season friendly victory for the 3rd XI. The match was between Stretford 3rd XI and Didsbury 5th XI but played at Moorside Road.

We have evidence to show that you were impersonating Don Bradman on Sunday. Are you Don Bradman?

The DIR the suspect isn’t responding.

Document 6 in your folders. Document 6 is the Stretford Batting Scorecard showing that the your side scored 219/8 off 40 overs. Waqas Mahmood (32), Pav Aqueel (59*) weighed in with runs but it was actually youself Kenny Cotton, who more than doubled your highest Stretford score by blasting 83 which included 11 fours and one big straight six. Now I put it to you Mr Cotton that you were impersonating the Don on Sunday, it couldn’t be more clear. Mother of God.

Document 7 in your folders. Document 7 are Stretford’s bowling figures. The figures clearly show a ruthless and calculated assault against the Didsbury batting line up. Charlie Sellors (3/10), Jamie Cotton (3/24) Uwais Siddique (2/16) and Waqas Mahmood (2/29) all joined the assault.

Document 8 in your folders. Document 8 shows Didbury’s batting card which shows a solitary 49 by Matt Laker compiled with psuedo enjoyment, as the only notable contribution from the OCG (other cricket group)

I put it you Mr Cotton that yourself, captain Usman Hassan and Director of Cricket Guy Robinson will be pleased with the performace even though this was a friendly

For the DIR the suspect isn’t responding

The interview is terminated

1 thought on “Cotton thrives in Line of Duty

  1. Wish I’d written this.

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